Why I was “Inspired by Koby”
Koby's Story
Koby’s story began in 2010 when I began a new relationship. I already had a child from my previous marriage, and my new partner already had 2.
We decided it would be cool if we had one together and because of my age (40) I thought it would be best if we visited my GP to talk about it. She basically said it was very unlikely and we’d probably end up seeking fertility treatment.
We decided that we were happy with the children we had and not to persue the idea any further.
.Fast forward 6 months or so and we had just bought a house together, the week we moved in I discovered I was pregnant! Such a miracle!
There was a few minutes of shock, then excitement. The kids were all thrilled that they would have a baby sibling and I couldn’t believe I’d get to experience another baby!
At our 20 week scan we were thrilled to discover we were having a boy. Everything looked perfect and all was well in our world!
Just 2 weeks later, I was admitted to hospital for monitoring. It was really scarey but I felt ok, and to be honest I felt like a bit of a fraud being there. I was 22 weeks pregnant and I’d only seen Koby 2 weeks earlier and all had been perfect.
I woke up with a shock after 2 days to find my waters had broken. It made no sense. Noone could tell me why.
It was just too soon, and there was nothing anyone could do. After 5 days of hoping and praying we’d make it to 24 weeks so that the hospital would ‘help’ Koby, I woke up and couldn’t feel any movement. The doctors found no heartbeat and a scan confirmed that Koby had passed away overnight at 23+1 weeks.
It didn’t make sense and was so hard to hear. I was in shock the rest of the day and we decided to wait for him to come naturally. I went into labour that evening and after 7 hours my precious baby was born silently into the world.
Nothing on earth can prepare you for this. Your baby not crying. Having to bury your baby. Still looking pregnant. Your milk coming in.
Telling your children their baby brother died.
It was truly the worst day of my life. To be followed by many more where I slowly learnt to live without him, without seeing him grow up. Never being able to tell him how much I loved and wanted him.
Where I learnt that there are so many others who are also living through this great grief that doesn’t make sense.
Finding Inspiration Through Grief
Koby is included in our lives, and thought of daily. He is very loved and missed.
One of the hardest things going forward is feeling like the world has moved on, and others have forgotten our precious baby.
One of the most precious gifts others can give us is acknowleding our babies as part of our families. But for so many, this does not happen.
This inspired me to create Inspired by Koby. This is my way of healing, of giving back, of helping others feel less alone in their journey. To help them feel like their baby is important, and mostly to feel like their baby is remembered.
This is Koby’s legacy .. this keeps Koby’s memory alive and his name spoken. It is an honour to send out birthday cards every month for the babies who couldn’t stay and the families who wish they were here.
Inspired by Koby
I plan on writing a series of blog posts about my journey after losing Koby, including my fertility journey, my rainbow baby and all the steps along the way.
I firmly believe the more people that talk about baby loss (and all the other ‘hard’ or ‘taboo’ type subjects) the less alone others will feel.
If you have lost a baby and would like to sign up to receive a card for your babies birthday the link is below.
Talk soon,
Suz Xxx
